Sekarang ni tengah hot isu askar dipenggal kepala dekat Woolwich, UK. Dikhabarkan pemenggal tu beragama Muslim sebab sambil memenggal tu diorang ada jerit Allahuakbar. Ye lah, kalau ayam kita baca Bismillah. Kalau orang kita up sikit kasi semangat.

Aku banyak je berkawan dengan Non Malays Muslim di UK dulu tapi alhamdulillah, geng2 penggal kepala ni tak pernah pulak aku terserempak. Geng rogol budak balik dari kelab malam ada sekali aku terjumpa. Geng mencuri banyak.

SEBELUM.

Apa yang mendorong orang bertindak gila macam ni sekali. Tak payah atas nama Islam pon kau boleh pening kepala pikir apa yang terlintas dalam hati diorang. Dekat mana diorang membesar. Siapa yang mendidik diorang. Apa jenis cabaran yang diorang lalui dalam hidup. Askar tu ada cakap sesuatu yang trigger suis gila dalam otak diorang ke atau dia cuma berada di tempat yang salah dan pada masa yang salah?

Ustaz Hasrizal pernah cakap, tuhan turunkan AlQuran pada orang Arab bukan saja sebab mereka ni bangsa paling degil dalam dunia. Tapi jugak kerana sifat mereka yang menjunjung agama tu, di tempat paling tinggi dalam hidup mereka. Tengok je berapa ramai negara yang mengaku Islam tapi berpaksikan ideologi sekular dalam dunia ni. Tapi Arab masih kekal dengan konsep totaliti Islamnya. Korup jangan cerita la, itu tak kira kafir harbi ataupun Muslim, tak ada yang terlepas kalau dah memegang kuasa. Pada aku itu lebih pada masalah pemerintah.

Jadi Arab ni kalau cerita soal Palestin, Syria dan Iraq, dia jauh lagi sensitif berbanding kita yang sama2 muslim sebab jauhnya akar Islam tu pergi dalam sejarah nenek moyang dia. Mungkin ke sebab itu lebih banyak orang arab yang jadi gila secara tiba2 lepas baca surat khabar?

SELEPAS.

Ni yang seronok. Bak kata Bill Maher "People love to engage in fake outrage, I don't know what it is but I'm mad!"

Banyak jugak aku tengok twit2 yang menyeru 'sand niggers' ni pulang ke kampung halaman. Bukan stail syahdu macam Hari Raya tu, ni stail paksa benci dendam kesumat. Macam la kau tak pernah dengar orang kena bunuh kat UK. Kekwat sangat.

Banyak jugak video2 muncul kat youtube yang cuba membetulkan keadaan dengan mendidik orang tentang double standard yang berlaku dalam masyarakat kita ni. Kalau Muslim yang buat salah kau panggil sand niggers terrorist. Kalau kulit hitam kau panggil nigger criminal. Kalau melayu kau panggil nigga higa. Tapi kalau orang putih yang blonde bimbo mata biru tu, kau panggil orang kurang waras. Bangang betul.

Tapi aku tak ada la nak explain pasal double standard ni sebab pada aku orang yang tak nampak adanya double standard ni adalah orang yang menggunakan perasaan ataupun asshole mereka untuk membuat sesuatu. Tak sesuai rasanya untuk orang yang menggunakan kepala otak macam aku ni untuk turun ke darjat mereka. Dunia memang takkan lepas dari orang2 bodoh seperti ini jadi kau cuma ada 2 pilihan. Biarkan mereka terus bodoh dan kita manipulasi kebodohan mereka untuk membuat persediaan menghadapi zombie apocalypse atau kita didik mereka supaya jadi sama pandai dan akhirnya mereka akan berebut hasil dunia dengan kita. Aku lebih suka membiarkan orang bodoh. Kalau bodoh piang yang menyakitkan hati tu baru aku lempang sedas dua.

Dunia memang gila. Tak pernah rasanya aku dengar dunia sepi dari kegilaan manusia. Dari Qabil yang membunuh saudaranya sendiri, Habil ke masyarakat Roman klasik yang melempar orang ke dalam kandang singa, ke masyarakat Arab Jahiliyyah yang menimbus anak perempuan mereka, ke Hitler dan Holocaustnya, ke Kolonisasi dengan Apartheidnya dan sekarang dengan nuklear, ekstrimis dan islamophobianya. Mungkin untuk mencapai keamanan, kita yang perlu pergi.

Mungkin.

Studying economic theories and actually use it in analysing real life is like watching porn and trying to explain it to your kids.

It's not just different, it is ridiculously impossible. How do you explain money multiplier? Sir, if u don't have money, u should spend more and with that you will get more money! There is a reason why these people get paid a lot for making up this theory or u know, act in porn movie. Because they know how to beautify things and delude people into believing it.

I like unicorn. I sometimes look at a horse without blinking, wishing that he'll grow a shiny horn on top of his head. But hey, between actually growing a horn and shouting 'Fuck you' at me, i think the horse would rather do the shouting.

My point is, sometimes u love something because it looks pretty. It is comforting to live with and hell, it makes your life easier to just fuck all the logics and start believing it. But that doesn't make fantasy a reality.

When I read about GST and its intended impact to heal our swollen debt and improve our country's GDP, I immediately shut the page off. The same thing happened when one of my Investment director talk about how she would like to see the stagnant tourism industry in Malaysia shine again through her hard work in Wilayah Iskandar but at the same time having real problem with how cheap Legoland is. I distanced myself.

Most people in Malaysia are living like hamster, working just so they have enough to pay off the bill. Hell, some can't even make the ends meet. And politicians are using their ass to communicate with us. That's how they come up with projects, acts and policies that are so bizarre u have to check their birth certificate to make sure they actually breathe the same air as us.

Disengage.

I think that's the key problem of today's leaders. You cannot be pleased with a simple increase in GDP when your people's per capita income is actually decreasing. Ever wonder if the increased national income actually trickle down to us, the people u serve?

And you cannot be proud with the magnificent hotels and buildings in Iskandar, KLCC or heck, Bangsar if the only people who can afford to live those standard are expats and your cousins or aunties or even mistress.

If politicians actually walk on the street where I used to buy tissues from pregnant mothers and blind uncle, will they still be making the same decision? If leaders spend some time to visit the cardboard house of Chinese community in Cheras, will they still be restricting equal opportunity to non-Bumi? And if the successful entrepreneurs sleep at the house of average Malaysians where parents are constantly worrying about mortgage, debt and their children's latest request to visit I-City, will they still be charging the high price for their customers?

I have problem going out of the house in Malaysia. Not because it is dangerous . But because I can feel that with every steps I take passing the homeless, the abandoned kids and the clumsy parents, my heart die a little.

Capitalism, Keynesian and Marxism are not just tools to make u look good on statistic and survey. Maybe u don't need this posh words to create a legacy. Maybe all u need is just a simple sincere 'Love, how's your day?'

Maybe.

I'm in the middle of mid life crisis. Yes, half mid life crisis. Where I began to ask myself the purpose of my existance and especially the benefit of my living.

I do hold on to the principle of doing your best in something u believe and drop it once u think it doesn't produce any value. Most of the time, I drop things, here and there in life.

But I can't quit me, believe me I've tried, but failed. So I have no choice but to do the best in this life and to make sure I'll leave something good for my fellow creatures once I'm dead.

I wont have kids. That is certain.

So perhaps I'll leave a word or two. Make it sound wise so u, who are still alive can ponder upon it.

Maybe.